This morning I woke up and felt like I was about to take a long vacation somewhere far away.

Whenever I'm about to take a trip, I get this excited feeling in my stomach. The anticipation follows me through my shower, getting dressed, eating breakfast, checking final packing lists, and heading out the door.

So this morning, when I had that feeling, I was very confused. I am quite confident I have not scheduled a trip for today. It made me think about Germany, and how desperately I want to be in Europe this summer, and to have an escape plan, and to never come back to Muhlenberg. And for a moment this feeling convinced me that I was actually about to fly away from here. I feel a desperate longing for this to be true.

I often wonder if I am following the path I should be following. Often I think the answer is no - I do not think I would get these feelings that I should be somewhere else if I was meant to be here.

I feel like everything in my life now is out of sorts. It is painstaking for me to go through each day convinced that I should quit college, pack my things, get in my car, and just drive as far as a tank of gas would get me. I often daydream that I would actually have the confidence to go through with this plan. I know in all seriousness that I am woefully stuck here for another year.

And making plans for graduate school is that much tougher, because every time I sit down to do this, my mind wanders to a year from now, when I will finally be free of this place and all its vices.

I just want to start over somewhere. My mind and my body rebel against me, not understanding why I succumb to my obligations here.

Perhaps one day something inside me will snap, and I will leave, and I will never talk to any of you again.

I suspect that would feel surprisingly good.